solving life problems the lao tsu way

One of the main things that brings someone to Taoism is a problem. We aren't happy, we feel something is missing, so we look to a philosophy or religion to see if it can help us. What advice does it give for solving this particular situation? Sometimes with Taoism we think - well, we are to accept everything, and have no expectations, so perhaps there really are no problems. We should just accept everything and go on. But I think that may be oversimplifying things a bit

Into every life will come situations - typically many situations - that cause emotional turmoil. It is not easy to get your needs met. It is not easy to find people that understand you and make you feel like you belong. It's not easy to even provide a living for yourself. This life which Lao Tsu seems to think can be filled with contentment in peace can feel very, very far from that.

So what do we do when things seem to just not be working out the way they should? First, I believe, we need to look at exactly what we would like to be different. If you dislike your job, it's probably not simply that you don't want to work. The difficulty is probably the type of work you are doing, some demands that are being placed on you by yourself or others that seem unbearable, or perhaps it is the people you are working with. You would like not to have to do x. You would like not to feel x. You wish such and such person would stop doing x.

Once you have identified what it is that you wish were different, analyze each item and ask yourself if this thing is in your realm of control. Is there any aspect of this thing that you can change by taking a positive step? It is likely that there are some positive steps you can take, but it is also likely some of the things are out of your control. When you realize something is not yours to control - such as a co-worker's way of treating you - you need to accept that thing as that other person's issue and not your own. Your responsibility in that situation is to deal with what they are doing or not doing and let go of the expectation that s/he act in a way that you prefer. This is critical because when you realize their actions are based on THEM and not YOU, you free yourself from any negative judgement. You are the innocent in the situation.

Another way we can look at the situation is by imagining your higher self. The Tao Te Ching doesn't say much about how to live virtuously, but the I Ching does. Almost every hexagram is asking you to defer to your higher self in order to best navigate changes and difficult situations. So no matter what situation is presenting itself to you, you can ask - What would happen in this situation if I were more . . . patient, generous, content, modest, benevolent, true to the natural course of things? By asking these questions, your role in the current situation will become more apparent.

Remembering that "every hill has both a light and dark side" is also essential. No matter what situation we find ourselves, there will be good and bad, light and dark, freedom and responsibility. Life tends to move back and forth through the light and dark and this is how we progress. Often when we feel we have problems we are seeing only the dark side. Ask yourself - what are the positives in this situation? And equally important, how is the dark side of this situation potentially helping me grow? Is there a way I can be more tolerant of the dark phases of this situation?

Sometimes the difficulty is not a situation but an important choice. I spent years trying to decide which "career" to follow. Having come from a childhood of poverty and limited opportunities, I wanted so badly to have a good life. I had worked so hard and done so well in my early years of school, that I felt a great career lie ahead of me if I could only decide what it was. But I was stuck in indecision year after year. Why couldn't I make up my mind? Looking back, I believe I had too many expectations. I wanted a career that most importantly would allow me to do something that drew on my talents and would give me joy but I also wanted to stay out of debt and so was hesitant to spend a lot of time and money on graduate school. I also didn't want to do any more preparatory undergraduate work. And I wanted a job that where a regular income was pretty much guaranteed rather than dependent on my ability to market myself or my work. And one more thing - I wanted a job that would allow me to be at home with my children as much as possible. Do you see how these conflicting expectations really made it impossible for me to make a choice? In the end I decided to be a teacher. It seemed like it would draw on my love of literature and would meet the other expectations to some degree. But in all honesty I never felt great about this choice. I never really wanted to be a high school teacher. And in the end, I really did not enjoy it and ended up regretting the decision deeply. That thing I had wanted so badly for myself had eluded me. It was and remains one of the biggest regrets of my life.

So what went wrong? I believe I didn't prioritize my wants. Following the natural way of things is an important Taoist principle. Everything has a nature and it experiences fulfillment by following that nature. Teaching was not my nature. Perhaps teaching college would have been, but teaching high school was not. It didn't allow me to explore ideas on a deep enough level. And so I was always disappointed and unhappy. If I would have accepted that my nature needed work that would allow me to go deeper - perhaps being a journalist or a lawyer or even a college professor - I would have made a better decision. I sort of took a short cut. I thought that being a high school teacher was close enough to being what I was born to do and besides it would be easier than getting a Ph.D. The road turned out to not be the easier one but the harder one, and it led to less happiness.

So - being honest about what you really want - and listening to your heart to determine what is MOST important to you - is pretty essential to making the best decision. And then once you know what is most important and how to get it, you have to be willing to sacrifice the other smaller desires.

In my defense, another issue that got in my way was lack of information. I really didn't know about my options as well as I could have. I heard someone once say that with respect to making good decisions, what is important is not following your heart, it is getting enough information. And sometimes that information only comes through experience. Sometimes we don't know what it is that we want and need until we've experienced what it is we DON'T want and need.

This isn't the most Taoist post I've ever written - but in some ways it is. At its core, Taoism is saying - just be yourself and accept life as it comes. If we truly know ourselves, if we strive to be the best version of ourselves and then just do what seems to come naturally, we typically will make pretty good decisions and will be able to make it through any difficult situation or see clearly when it is time to move on.