contentment and acceptance
There is no greater sin than desire,
No greater curse than discontent,
No greater misfortune than wanting something for oneself.
Therefore he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. (SM 46)
The Tao Te Ching & Acceptance
When we think of having a better life, our minds are often quick to jump to all the changes that would bring us more happiness: more money, a better job, love. But one of Taoism's central messages is that peace and contentment won't come simply because your life situation magically changes to what you see as better. Instead, contentment and progress will come by accepting yourself, others, and the situations you face in life as they are, without deception, blame or self-pity. Peace and contentment will come when we stop resisting what life has given us and instead look at our reality without any blinders on and willingly and maybe even gratefully, accept it. It's as if we take on the mantle of our life and the situations we face and stop complaining about them. In terms of Victor Frankl's theory, we accept responsibility for our life, not in that we think we have control, but in that we see that it is only by accepting ourselves and the situations in our life exactly as they are that we are truly alive.
If you've ever met someone who seems at peace, it is at least in part because this person has accepted him or herself just as they are. They don't seek to be anything but their natural selves and are not on that perpetual treadmill of wanting to make themselves better.
Acceptance is closely related to the concept of Wu Wei, because by accepting things, we are allowing chi to flow. When we don’t accept or we try to hold on to things, we stop the flow of chi. Remember this doesn’t mean things will stay as they are, because the nature of the Tao is change. When we accept things, we let life flow, and the Tao will direct things where they need to go to maintain balance in the grand design. A very powerful line in verse 64 says
The Master takes action by letting things take their course.
We may think accepting something is doing nothing, but as this verse says, by accepting something, we are actually allowing things to take their proper course, which is an action, and a wise and powerful one at that.
At one time in my life I was desperately unhappy. I thought I had made so many mistakes that life was no longer worth living. I lived in this state of barely existing for years. One year I remember meeting an older lady who lived near me. I had seen her often zipping around town in an unimpressive compact car, but I noticed she was always smiling. We started chatting a bit and somehow or another it became clear that she loved her life and all the experiences she had had. Interestingly, though she was 40 years older than me, we had grown up in the same town 250 miles away and had even attended the same high school. She had gone to college to become a teacher (which ironically I was at the time), but while in school got a job as a secretary and loved it so much that she dropped out and made that her career. She glowed talking about it. I had been a secretary for a while, too, and though I enjoyed it, I thought it was "beneath" my potential, so I became a teacher (and felt as unfulfilled as ever). This lady and I shared similar educational paths and career paths, and now here we lived in the same town, two houses away from each other. (By the way I hated this dumpy town in the middle of Wyoming; she of course found it beautiful.) As I thought about this woman, I realized we had lived very similar lives, but she loved her life while I was miserable and spent countless days, weeks and even years mulling over why I made the choices I had made and how I was going to get to a place where I could finally live the life I was meant to live. The realization was jarring: maybe my discontent was not caused by my choices or the relationships or situations I found myself in but rather by my inability to see the good in what life had given me.
The Deep Well of Desire
The thing that many of us resist about non-resistance (lol), is that wanting to improve and wanting things to be better seems so natural and even admirable. We think of people who fight for what they want and against all odds achieve it. How many books and movies would never had been written if everyone simply accepted everything about their lives as is?
Yes, it makes sense that trying to achieve an important goal or even simply make your life more liveable is a noble thing. And this is true to some extent. The problem is this: The need for achievement or improvement is often insatiable. We believe that if we just achieve this one thing, then we will feel great about ourselves and life will be better. But in truth, the satisfaction we may feel upon reaching a goal is often very short lived. I've heard people who have achieved great things who say, "Yea, it felt great, but then literally the next day I was thinking about what I would try to accomplish next."
There is nothing inherently bad about trying to achieve great things. The problem is when we start believing achieving the great thing will dramatically improve our lives. Almost always, regardless of what is achieved or not achieved, we remain the same person at our core, and our level of contentment and happiness stays the same, as well. The idea that great achievement will dramatically change our level of contentment and the peace we feel in our everyday lives is an illusion.
Wanting to make our lives and our selves better is actually quite natural. Even birds make their lives better, in a way, by building nests (although, arguably they are simply filling a need, a behavior we might want to emulate). The problem is when we don't appreciate what we have and then believe that some big change will dramatically change our level of happiness. The truth is, it won't, and if we continually resist our lives and try to "make" everything better by sheer effort, we will likely be continually disappointed.
The Most Important Thing to Accept: The Truth
Accepting Our True Nature - Honoring our true nature may require us to follow an arduous road.
When Resistance Seems Justified
What about when we see a true mistake being made or a true injustice being inflicted on someone? This is where Lao Tzu's metaphor of being like water is so powerful. A rock in a river does not give in to the current, but it also does not reach out and try to guide the flow of water. Still, our default should be acceptance, even if it seems resistance is justified or even the only course of action. Chapter 43 reminds us that the soft will overcome the hard every time. Water is soft, yielding and gentle, yet it overcomes the hardest and strongest of stones. So, when we are faced with a formidable opponent - an inequity, a dismissal, a put down, someone who would silence us, we might feel justified in responding with force. But we resist the impulse to resist and instead we accept and defer. Like the opponent in a Bruce Lee movie, when something is coming at us with great force, instead of resisting, we move out of the way and let the opponent's momentum and strength be their downfall. Thus, we "do nothing and nothing remains undone."
Seek first to understand
The bright light of truth
Accepting the Low Places in Life
“The highest good is like water.
Water dwells in low places
that all disdain.” (Chapter 8,
Acceptance is closely related to humility. Why? It is the nature of man to want the good things in life. We want to be the king living in the castle. We want the accolades of our public. We want to be the most beautiful and intelligent. But having tis mindset actually will bring us not admiration, and not peace or happiness, but stress, perhaps an envious and hateful public, and perhaps it will bring us a type of admiration, but in truth it will bring us nothing of what we truly need and nothing of any real value. Chapter 8 tells us that the perfect being is like water: it allows itself to go where it naturally goes, be with those it naturally finds itself, flow to the low places with no complaint or concern, allow itself to fit into any shape required, freely give to everyone in its path without judgment. Water simply is . . . it lives without judging or resisting.
When we accept whatever life hands us, we are truly humble "low." Chapter 66 reminds us that the good in life flows down not up. Why are the oceans the greatest bodies of water? Because they are the lowest. They don't resist and try to "push up." They don't try to out-do anyone or anything, and in doing that they naturally triumph. If we are wise, we, too, will accept dwelling in the low places in life knowing this is will the best things of life will find us. Beauty is nice, but its not nourishment. Admiration is pleasant, but it's empty. Castles are impressive, but they are isolating. High places are fragile. It is the low places where intimacy and truth grow.
Chapter 32 reminds us to be like the ocean, which accepts everything that comes to it without question or resistance. It also doesn't "try" to grow itself. Rains fill the rivers, and the rivers run to the sea naturally. Like the sea, when we rest in what is, what is best for us will flow to us naturally.
Accepting That This Moment and Your Current Self is Enough
One of my first jobs out of college was working for the originator of the "life coach" concept. One of his mantras has always stuck with me: Make the present perfect. This is the spirit of contentment. It is only when we accept the present and make it as perfect as we can that we can truly appreciate it for what it is and then be clear enough to make a change if it is truly needed.
What should we accept in life?
Ourselves, our bodies, our traits, and all the choices or seeming mistakes we've made in life.
Our physical imperfections, illnesses, bad habits, addictions. (It's not that we love these things and don't hope we can resolve them; but we accept them as our present reality and see them as realities of the human to experience.)
The people in our lives, just as they are
The idea that most people are living in a way that makes sense for them, even though it may not make sense to us.
The idea that the Tao is incredibly diverse, and that is a good and necessary thing.
The idea that most good things in life take a long time to develop and grow, like in nature.
Our parents and the complex forces that influenced our formative years
The "bad" things that have happened to us
The "good" things that have happened to us
The culture we were born into
The world as it is today
The idea that the Tao is the all-powerful force in the universe and makes all things work for the ultimate good
The idea that all things contain both light and darkness at once
Thoughts on Acceptance from Other Belief Systems
"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." Wayne Dyer
“By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich.” Democritus
“To want nothing is godlike; and the less we want, the nearer we approach the divine.” Xenophon of Athens
“If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.” Aristotle
“A sage doesn't allow like or dislikes to get in and do him harm - he just lets things be the way they are” Chuang Tzu
“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you don’t. Remember that what you now have was once among the things
you only hoped for.” Epicurus
“So long as the object of our craving is unattained, it seems more precious than anything.
But once it is ours, we crave for something else.” Lucretius
“Do the gods light this fire in our hearts or does each man's mad desire become his god?” Virgil
“Curb your desire—don’t set your heart on so many things, and you will get what you need.” Epictetus
“People of this world are deluded. They're always longing for something - always, in a word, seeking.” Bodhidharma
“The Way is not difficult for those without preferences.” Jianzhi Sengcan
“The wise know they have everything they need within themselves. Hence, they do not seek anything outside themselves.” Li Xizhai
“Abandon your desire and take on the light of wisdom, for that desire would soon lead to disappointment.” Rumi
“We grasp at everything, but catch nothing except wind.” Montaigne
affirmations
I have found that I more fully accept something about my life when I state my acceptance out loud. I find this to be true with every truth I encounter, especially if it is something that represents a shift in my natural tendency or historical interactions. Here are some affirmations that might help you more completely accept yourself and your current situation in life.
I accept that the Tao is in control of existence, not me.
I have everything I need right here, right now.
When I align my life with the Tao, what is right for me will flow to me.
I am not perfect, but I am good enough just as I am, because everything in the Tao is good enough.
I accept myself and all I have been and done because this has created who I am in this moment, and who I am in this moment is real and good enough.
I accept others in my life for who they are in this moment.
I accept that the Tao is perfect, and goodness and beauty exist in all things.
I accept the present moment exactly as it is because this moment contains all the Tao is.
I accept that everything I need in life is already inside of me waiting to be discovered and heard.
I accept that as I strive to align myself more with truth and the teachings of the Tao,
my unhealthy habits will fall away.