Contentment and Acceptance

contentment and acceptance

There is no greater sin than desire,

No greater curse than discontent,

No greater misfortune than wanting something for oneself.

Therefore he who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. (SM 46)

When each of us thinks of having a better life, our mind is often quick to jump to all the changes that would bring us more happiness: more money, a better job, that perfect relationship. But one of Taoism's central messages is that peace and contentment won't come from your situations magically changing for what you see as better. Instead, contentment and progress will come by accepting yourself, others, and the situations you face in life fully, without deception, blame or self-pity. Peace and contentment will come when we stop resisting what life has given us and instead look at our reality without any blinders on and willingly and maybe even gratefully, accept it. It's as if we take on the mantle of our life and the situations we face and stop complaining about them. In terms of Frankl's theory, we accept responsibility for our life, not in that we think we have control, but in that we see that it is only by accepting ourselves and the situations in our life exactly as they are that we are truly alive.

If you've ever met someone who seems at peace, it is at least in part because this person has accepted him or herself just as they are. They don't seek to be anything but their natural selves and are not on that perpetual treadmill of wanting to make themselves better. Many of us are the opposite of at peace with our lives. We want to improve, be different, be happier, have more things. We set goals, we go to extremes to change our lives. Lao Tzu tells us to walk away from this obsession. Our present is already "fierce with reality" and full of everything the Tao has to offer, if we can only see it.

Acceptance is closely related to the concept of Wu Wei, because by accepting things, we are allowing chi to flow. When we don’t accept or we try to hold on to things, we stop the flow of chi. Remember this doesn’t mean things will stay as they are, because the nature of the Tao is change. When we accept things, we let life flow, and the Tao will direct things where they need to go to maintain balance in the grand design. A very powerful line in verse 64 says

The Master takes action by letting things take their course.

We may think accepting something is doing nothing, but as this verse says, by accepting something, we are actually allowing things to take their proper course, which is an action, and a wise and powerful one at that.

At one time in my life I was desperately unhappy. I thought I had made so many mistakes that life was no longer worth living. I lived in this state of barely existing for years. One year I remember meeting an older lady who lived near me. I had seen her often zipping around town in an unimpressive compact car, but I noticed she was always smiling. We started chatting a bit and somehow or another it became clear that she loved her life and all the experiences she had had. Interestingly, though she was 40 years older than me, we had grown up in the same town 250 miles away and had even attended the same high school. She had gone to college to become a teacher (which ironically I was at the time), but while in school got a job as a secretary and loved it so much that she dropped out and made that her career. She glowed talking about it. I had been a secretary for a while, too, and though I enjoyed it, I thought it was "beneath" my potential, so I became a teacher (and felt as unfulfilled as ever). This lady and I shared similar educational paths and career paths, and now here we lived in the same town, two houses away from each other. (By the way I hated this dumpy town in the middle of Wyoming; she of course found it beautiful.) As I thought about this woman, I realized we had lived very similar lives, but she loved her life while I was miserable and spent countless days, weeks and even years mulling over why I made the choices I had made and how I was going to get to a place where I could finally live the life I was meant to live. The realization was jarring: maybe my discontent was not caused by my choices or the relationships or situations I found myself in but rather by my inability to see the good in what life had given me.

Lao Tzu tells us to choose to be content with what we have. Most of the things we believe we need to be happy are less important than we think they are. What is most important is freely available to everyone through the Tao. When we accept this, we accept every part of our life and we start to see everything with new eyes. And so one of Taoism's key messages is to choose acceptance and non-resistance. I say choose because it really is a choice. We often believe that if something happens, then we will be content. And our modern world fully supports that mindset. We are on a constant path to get to that magical place where happiness resides. Once you graduate from college, once you get a good job, once you get married, once you have your own house, once you work for yourself, once you have enough in the bank, once you have plastic surgery, and on and on. And these things might increase your quality of life a bit, but never to the extent you expect. T.S. Eliot said "When you get there, there is no there there." Nothing could be more true. The only way to find contentment is to find it in the present moment, in the now. Here and now is as perfect and beautiful a place as any you will ever encounter.

Acceptance and Truth

Another reason acceptance is so powerful is that it helps us see and accept the full truth of a situation. When I accept that my child is a slow learner, I also see the truth that my child is more than his or her learning ability. When I accept that having a beautiful garden is going to take a lot of time and patience, I also see the truth that I may not have time right now to commit to a garden, and that I can’t do everything all at once. Wherever there is pain or confusion in your life, try evaluating it in terms of what you need to accept about the situation and see what truths are illuminated for you.

Acceptance Leads to Peace

When we choose acceptance, we become like water. Over and over again in the TTC, Lao Tzu tells us that the soft will survive while the hard will crumble.

Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield.

When we accept something, we become like water, and we are able to painlessly yield to the challenges life brings. When something painful or disappointing happens to us, fully accepting the situation can bring a sense of peace that resistance never will.

"Water is the supreme example of acceptance. It never struggles, it simply flows. It does not resist its path. It does not resist The Tao or the way. It just is. And even though water is the most humble of things—offering no resistance—it is also the strongest of things. By simply flowing, it is capable of wearing away even the most solid rock." (Live Love Simple)

Acceptance Robs a Negative Force of its Strength

Another way to describe acceptance is non-resistance. Rather than fighting against all the negatives in our life, we choose to step out of the way and let them run their course. It's much like when a fighter, rather than resisting the punch of his competitor, moves out of the way, and the energy of the punch makes the competitor fall forward and stumble. We may think resistance will stop the competitor, but the competitor actually gains strength from resistance! And so we can weaken and defeat many competitors, which is sometimes just our own sadness or frustration, by becoming more non-resistant, becoming more accepting.

As a realtor, I once showed a few houses to a young couple new to house buying. I took my usual low-pressure approach, but when they decided to put an offer on a home, for some reason they decided to contact the listing agent of the house to do that rather than have me write the offer. Writing offers is how a buyer's realtor is paid. So when this happened, I was shocked, hurt and angry. I felt rejected and was painfully disappointed to lose a big commission. I was angry and distraught for days and then finally decided to try to instead accept what had happened. I told myself, "I accept the choice these people made." When I did this, I felt immediate calm. It made me realize that what happened happened and didn’t necessarily indicate I did anything wrong. It also made me realize life would go on and I would be fine. The more I said, “I accept the choice they made,” breathing each time I repeated the phrase, the more at peace I felt. My acceptance and non-resistance robbed this situation of its ability to cause me pain. This is the power of acceptance at work.

Acceptance vs. Desire

To desire is the opposite of acceptance. When I accept my life as it is, I lose desire for the myriad of material items that would clutter my life and take me away from my true purpose. When I accept my partner as he or she is, I let go of the desire for someone that I think will somehow fit me better and make my life better. When I accept myself as I am, I let go of the desire to be something I am not or to be different from how the Tao made me. Often, we can choose acceptance by recognizing desire and letting go of it. This doesn't mean all desires are bad. But we need to evaluate our desires and determine what they really represent. Our desires often reveal pride (desire to be perceived as better than others rather than just a regular person the same as everyone else), blindness to truth, impatience, lack of compassion, materialism, lack of faith in the Tao, and more. The other problem with desire is it is never satisfied. Once one desire is fulfilled, another want starts its incessant knock at our door.

Acceptance and Patience

Chapter 15 reminds us that everything in life takes time, including gaining clarity and peace. We are asked, "Can you let your mud settle?" when we are confused, overwhelmed, unsure, or sad. "Letting our mud settle" means accepting our confusion or difficulty and simply waiting for the right action to make itself known. We accept confusion, pain, or overwhelm as a normal part of life, so we aren't in a hurry to "solve the problem." We just slowly go on with our lives, holding the question or difficulty in the background, living a life of goodness as best we can, waiting for the solution to make itself known to us. Sometimes we ultimately learn the problem we thought we had is not the real problem at all.

We also understand and accept that good things in life take time. Instead of torturing ourselves by constantly looking at our end goal, perhaps calculating how and when we will get there, we stay focused on the small tasks and beauties of the here and now, letting the future take care of itself. This reflects the acceptance that the Tao is in charge and everything will unfold as it should in its own time. I think this is the meaning behind Lao Tzu's words - "the sage does nothing but nothing remains undone." The sage concerns himself only with doing the small, needed tasks of the day, knowing that the Tao will handle the bigger task of getting him to where he needs to go in the grander scheme of things.

Accepting Our True Nature

Though all of us are part of the Tao and share common characteristics, each of us is extremely unique in terms of natural abilities and preferences, ways of thinking and feeling, cultural background, physical makeup, etc. Part of aligning ourselves with the Tao is fully accepting ourselves as we are, not as we want ourselves to be. Chapter 26 of the Tao Te Ching tells us

Therefore the sage, though he travel all day,
does not lose sight of his burden.
Though there may be spectacles to attract him,
he remains quietly in his own place.

In other words, though we see so many different ways of living and being, and those ways may seem attractive to us for different reasons, we hold to who we are at our core at all times. We accept ourselves fully and we are ourselves fully. This may seem easy to do, but it is not! The problem is, 1) not knowing who we really are, and 2) believing that it is okay to act apart from our true nature in order to get what we feel we need (love, a higher paying job, prestige, etc.). For example, for many years I worked in a job that I really did not like. It literally robbed me of my will to live each day. At the root of this situation was the fact that I am an introvert and this job required me to be an extrovert. I would do my work and then spend literally hours every day regrouping after having my senses overloaded by being around others and their needs for so long. I was physically drained for the rest of the night and didn't have time to prepare for the next day, which I needed to do. And then the anxiety about having to spend another day doing this would keep me up at night. This cycle went on for years. Why did I stay in the job? Because in a way it was easy and it paid well. I tried to make the job work for me. I tried to see the good in it. But what I needed to accept in this situation was that this job did not allow me to be myself, that this was making me miserable, and that no amount of money could ever make up for the toll this job was taking on my life. Quitting the job was extremely difficult, but I finally just walked off the cliff. Interestingly, about that time the Tao led me into a relationship where my economic needs were met, so I no longer needed the job. Sometimes the safety net does not appear so easily, though. But to live a life of peace and one that will allow us to flourish, we sometimes must accept that a change is needed and then have the courage to make the change. (Note:: Looking back, aspects of this job did allow me to be my true self. I was an English and art history teacher, and daily I was able to do what I love - immerse myself in the great truths of life and make sense of them by creating meaningful lessons for others. So, in a way, this job was right for my nature in terms of content, although it was not right for my nature in terms of the social structure. But also, I truly tried to be an effective teacher, and I do believe that I had a positive influence on many young people. So, perhaps in terms of the Tao, I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing despite the difficulties.)

I also like that Chapter 26 reminds us that sometimes accepting our true nature is a burden. It is not easy to remain true to who you are in a world that makes it seem easier to just be like everyone else. So we feel the burden, and we take it up, because we know that it is worth it, or better said essential, in the end.

Acceptance and Change: The I Ching

Even if we try to accept everything in our lives, at times it will be clear we need to make a change. For example we can't blindly remain in a situation where we are being dismissed, abused in any way, or ridiculed. or where we feel we cannot be our full, truest self. How do we know when to stay and when to go? Interestingly, the subtitle of the I Ching is "Book of Changes." I take from this that in general, we live a life of acceptance, not disturbing the status quo. But some changes will be necessary, and when it comes time to make a change, the change must be made carefully. So the I Ching exists to guide us to make those changes so they benefit our journey rather than disturb it by reminding us of the importance of patience, perseverance, restraint, tolerance, etc., as we move through our life challenges. I have come to truly appreciate the I Ching! I can't believe how insightful its advice is and how often that advice is amazingly tailored to my specific situation. I am not a superstitious person, but the accuracy and insight of the I Ching has been undeniable. Few things will help you live a Tao- based life better than using and contemplating the guidance of the I Ching regularly.

Still, our default should be acceptance, even if it seems resistance is justified or even the only course of action. Chapter 43 reminds us that the soft will overcome the hard every time. Water is soft, yielding and gentle, yet it overcomes the hardest and strongest of stones. So, when we are faced with a formidable opponent - an inequity, a dismissal, a put down, someone who would silence us, we might feel justified in responding with force. But we resist the impulse to resist and instead we accept and defer. Like the opponent in a Bruce Lee movie, when something is coming at us with great force, instead of resisting, we move out of the way and let the opponent's momentum and strength be their downfall. Thus, we "do nothing and nothing remains undone."

Accepting the Low Places in Life

“The highest good is like water.
Water dwells in low places
that all disdain.” (Chapter 8,

Acceptance is closely related to humility. Why? It is the nature of man to want the good things in life. We want to be the king living in the castle. We want the accolades of our public. We want to be the most beautiful and intelligent. But having tis mindset actually will bring us not admiration, and not peace or happiness, but stress, perhaps an envious and hateful public, and perhaps it will bring us a type of admiration, but in truth it will bring us nothing of what we truly need and nothing of any real value. Chapter 8 tells us that the perfect being is like water: it allows itself to go where it naturally goes, be with those it naturally finds itself, flow to the low places with no complaint or concern, allow itself to fit into any shape required, freely give to everyone in its path without judgment. Water simply is . . . it lives without judging or resisting.

When we accept whatever life hands us, we are truly humble "low." Chapter 66 reminds us that the good in life flows down not up. Why are the oceans the greatest bodies of water? Because they are the lowest. They don't resist and try to "push up." They don't try to out-do anyone or anything, and in doing that they naturally triumph. If we are wise, we, too, will accept dwelling in the low places in life knowing this is will the best things of life will find us. Beauty is nice, but its not nourishment. Admiration is pleasant, but it's empty. Castles are impressive, but they are isolating. High places are fragile. It is the low places where intimacy and truth grow.

Chapter 32 reminds us to be like the ocean, which accepts everything that comes to it without question or resistance. It also doesn't "try" to grow itself. Rains fill the rivers, and the rivers run to the sea naturally. Like the sea, when we rest in what is, what is best for us will flow to us naturally.

Accepting That This Moment and Your Current Self is Enough

One of my first jobs out of college was working for the originator of the "life coach" concept. One of his mantras has always stuck with me: Make the present perfect. This is the spirit of contentment. It is only when we accept the present and make it as perfect as we can that we can truly appreciate it for what it is and then be clear enough to make a change if it is truly needed.

What should we accept in life?

Ourselves, our bodies, our traits, and all the choices or seeming mistakes we've made in life.

Our nature

Our bad habits (yes)

The people in our lives, just as they are

The idea that people can be very different from us but that they are living in a way that makes sense for them

The idea that Tao is incredibly diverse, and that is a good and necessary thing.

All the specific situations in our present life (We believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Maybe we will change and things will change, but that will only come about when we accept what is going on in our lives right now.)

Our parents and the complex forces that influenced our formative years

The "bad" things that have happened to us

The "good" things that have happened to us

The culture we were born into

The world as it is today

The idea that the Tao is the all-powerful force in the universe and makes all things work for the ultimate good

The idea that all things contain both light and darkness at once

Thoughts on Acceptance from Other Belief Systems

Christianity: Forgiveness, Gratitude

Let go and Let God

"Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be." Wayne Dyer

“By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich.” Democritus

“To want nothing is godlike; and the less we want, the nearer we approach the divine.” Xenophon of Athens

“If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out.” Aristotle

“A sage doesn't allow like or dislikes to get in and do him harm - he just lets things be the way they are” Chuang Tzu

“Don’t spoil what you have by desiring what you don’t. Remember that what you now have was once among the things

you only hoped for.” Epicurus

“So long as the object of our craving is unattained, it seems more precious than anything.

But once it is ours, we crave for something else.” Lucretius

“Do the gods light this fire in our hearts or does each man's mad desire become his god?” Virgil

“Curb your desire—don’t set your heart on so many things, and you will get what you need.” Epictetus

“People of this world are deluded. They're always longing for something - always, in a word, seeking.” Bodhidharma

“The Way is not difficult for those without preferences.” Jianzhi Sengcan

“The wise know they have everything they need within themselves. Hence, they do not seek anything outside themselves.” Li Xizhai

“Abandon your desire and take on the light of wisdom, for that desire would soon lead to disappointment.” Rumi

“We grasp at everything, but catch nothing except wind.” Montaigne

Questions for Reflection

Consider any situations that are currently causing you stress. These might include your close relationships, your work your inner self, your body, your financial situation, your possessions, etc. Now write out the specific challenges you are facing in these situations. Go back through this list and say "I accept that" before each thing you have listed. How does this make you feel? What new insights does this reveal? When I choose to accept even the negative aspects of my life, I feel a sense of calm. It's as if the anxiety caused by resisting the present is causing me more stress than the situation itself, and when I accept the situation, the anxiety is released.

If after doing this activity you still feel a tightness in your chest about any of your current situations, ask yourself: Are there any difficult truths I need to accept about this situation? Verbalize acceptance of these things. Does this lead to any insight or any need for change? If you feel change is needed, consider it carefully and act with humility and wisdom.

Again consider any situations that are currently causing you stress. Now, list things you are grateful for in each situation. What is the effect of doing this?

At the root of many desires is the desire improve one's status in the world. Is this something you desire? How is it fueling other desires in your life? How could gratitude or embracing the spirit of the valley eradicate this desire and turn it into acceptance?

Am I trying to control anyone or any situations rather than accepting that the Tao is in control?